Rant #1: Whenever someone does something that bothers me I never tell them what i'm thinking. I tend to withdrawal from that person and tell them everything is fine. Instead i tell everyone but that person what i feel about the situation. I feel like i need to get comfortable telling people what i feel but i don't want to be controlling or judgmental so i bottle up my feelings when the person asks if i'm okay with what is going on. If i said no they would probably either get mad or do it anyway so what's the point? All i want is to be accepted so i choose to leave my thoughts to myself. I get the feeling sometimes that i'm not accepted which also makes me uncomfortable but i don't say anything about that either because i fear rejection and if the people don't have a problem with me i will end up feeling stupid for thinking that was the case. I don't know how to stop overanalyzing and i need to stop judging. I wish i didn't care what other people thought and i wish i didn't get nervous about being rejected. I need to be myself but i feel like i can only do that around my two best friends and my family. Even then sometimes i feel like i need to hide certain things.
Rant #2: I feel like i like him better when its just the two of us. He seems to change into a completely different person around his friends. I hate seeing him like that. He doesn't seem to care about anything and sometimes he gets so belligerent that he just says whatever he thinks and doesn't think about how it will make anyone else feel. I need him and i love being with him but i need him to be like he is when its just me and him and nothing else seems to matter. I need him to be there for me but i feel like i cant tell him everything that crosses my mind. Im scared for him... I need someone that will be there when i feel like i have nothing and no one to turn to. All i want is someone that can be with me. Im scared for myself.
Rant #3: I thought my feelings came from people withdrawing from our friendship every time i messed something up. I soon learned that the problem came from somewhere deeper. I didn't realize until i talked to someone about it. The real problem is i feel like i'm losing my family and my home. My mom is selling the house i lived in for 18 years and moving to Seattle. My sisters are also thinking about moving west together. My subconscious told me something was wrong by making so homesick all of a sudden. I thought it was a small thing but the underlying problem was causing me to latch onto my home because it wouldn't be there for me much longer. I also got a new perspective about family. Knowing that they wont be so close and i wont be able to see them whenever i needed to made me feel lost and sort of abandoned. I need to feel like i fit in somewhere and sometimes home is the only place that i can. What happens when that is gone...?
Rant #4: Why does every little thing have to be blown out of proportion? All i need to do is have someone to talk to and no one seems to understand that...
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