So im really confused about what i want in life. I am not so sure about anything. I made some cool friends and i love hanging out with them but then it takes time away from other people and other things which makes the other people upset and i try so hard to balance everything and it is just taking so much energy and i feel so stressed from school and i just dont know how to balance life and people. i just want to go home and i cant do that for another month and i am getting so bogged down with work and having to give everyone my time. i just want to be alone in a confined area for a full 24 hours and not have to see anyone. i need time for me and i cannot find it.

is this over yet?

I feel like its hard for me to make friends even though im usually outgoing. I think it may be because i am nervous about what they will think of me which i shouldnt be. I think its all in my head but it still gets to me and I have to learn how to block out my thoughts so i can be more open to meeting people. Goal for the year: Make at least one good friend.

sum summa

Things are good. Summer is almost over (not so good), but the summer i have been enjoying has been quite perfect. I am going to six flags with the family and the beach with the girls this weekend. Im also going to seattle for most of august. I hope i didnt make the trip too long so i dont get bored or stressed. It should be fun though. I really want a smoothie right now... i wish i wasnt too lazy to go make one haha. sad. anyway. the weather has been beautiful, only the occasional rain, which i dont really mind anyway. Im dreading the winter. i hate the cold. i love beaches and bare feet and driving with the windows down. Im going to miss the summer. I think im going to move somewhere that it doesnt snow. i really dont like snow. only three more years in the place with the worlds crappiest weather, aka central pa. joy. Heres to the rest of my perfect summer... or what i hope will be.

stupid summer.

Today is an alright day. I should probably move into the new house but i have no motivation to do anything. I should also join a gym but I also have no motivation for that either. I want the warm weather to come its so crappy outside and its depressing me. Also it bothers me that something always has to be imperfect in an otherwise perfect day. Does everything have to be questioned? Why cant people just go with the flow. I am not going to explain every little thing. It is a waste of my time. Can I please just do my own thing without having to worry about who its going to effect? I cant make everyone happy all the time. It just is not possible. Also dreams are not something your subconcious is trying to tell you because if that is the case mine is trying to tell me to get in a bloody violent sword fight in a church to protect Luke DeBoer. WHAT?!?!?! No. Its just not. Therefore if you have a bad dream about someone DONT get mad at that person. I dont FREAKING know why I was in your dream doing something you didnt like. Like i freakin put myself in there and was like hehehe time to make this person mad. Yup. My life plan is to ruin everything. Life goes in circles I tell you.

sad face.

Today I went to the grocery store to buy margarine. I was walking in and some guy was like HEY what kinda music do you listen to? and i was like uhhh idk alternative, thinking it was some kind of survey. Lo and behold he asks me to buy a cd and i didnt know what to say so I was like hmm well im kinda in a hurry and idk how much money I will have when im done shopping so maybe after. BIG MISTAKE. I walk out the opposite door i came in cuz i didnt wanna tell the boy no I felt bad. I should have just coughed up the money cuz he started running toward the car as i got in and drove away... I feel bad. I wonder if he will starve... i hope not. :( Next time I vow to buy a cd if it is less than $10.

If youre gonna play in texas you gotta have a fiddle in the band.

I am not a fan of college... but now im home and life is good. That is all.

Untitled

I decided to make a list of 10 things I like about myself to counteract feeling down. If I try to focus on the positive I can try to block out all the negative feelings. It seems that every time I am actually happy, something comes along and smothers the happiness. Anyway here goes nothing.

1. My smile

2. My name

3. My eyes

4. My ability to keep my living spaces clean

5. My love of reading

6. My goals

7. My drawing

8. My nose

9. My love for my family and friends

10. The fact that I like myself in general

Wishes.

I wish I could be done with college so I could go to cooking school to take baking classes. 

I wish I could be on food network. 

I wish I could tell my roommate to stop chewing with her mouth open. 

I wish I could tell her to clean up her stuff. 

I wish I could tell her to clean the sink after she uses it.

I wish I could tell her to not get detergent everywhere when she washes things. 

I wish I could speak my mind. 

I wish I knew what my mind was telling me. 

I wish I could pick up and move. 

I wish I didn't feel trapped here. 

I wish I could go home. 

I wish I didn't have the same routine every week. 

I wish I could be motivated to exercise.

I wish I could be motivated. 

Motivation?

Real World

So I scheduled classes last night and got all the ones i needed except marketing but I should get that too hopefully because I couldnt schedule cuz Im apparently not officially in my major so I have to talk to my advisor. Today I came home to find girl scout cookies and a new jacket at my back door from Aunt Lyn which is wonderful. I had a half hour convo with mother and I also talked to Aunt Lyn, Pappy, and Aunt Judy. I have class at 3 until 5:30 and then I have to go to my first tennis practice which kinda sucks since I hate running haha. I should go grocery shopping but I have no money and I decided I have enough rice and pasta to last me a while so Ill pass on groceries for a bit. Other than that life is good. My mom is coming soon which is good cuz I havnt seen her since like Christmas... and that sucks cuz I had like a breakdown first time I went home because it was so different. But whatever nothing i can do. Off to the real world. Bye.

ROAR.

I can't help but feel a little lonely when I realize I have exactly 2 friends in Altoona (one my roommate the other my boyfriend). It makes me kinda sad. I wish I had lived in the dorms freshman year so I could have a way to meet people. Though, in fact, I meet a lot of people, I just have problems making friends with them cuz I never have anything to talk about. I have friends in State College but the problem with that is I only see them on weekends and most of them are graduating after next year.

I also have no idea where I am living next year which makes me kind of nervous. I do not like not knowing my future plans. I get anxiety when I don't have things planned out especially for something such as housing. I wish I could have someone to room with so I didn't have to be paired up with someone random and not know where I am living. It makes it very scary to think about. Best case scenario I live with Michelle again or in the upstairs half of the house Mike is staying in (downstairs is guys). Either way I would need to drive up a huge hill to get to the apartment which means I basically need 4 wheel drive or im stuck there until forever (aka when it stops snowing).  Another way that would work would to be living in the dorms, which could be a good way to meet new people, but I would need to be able to get off the waitlist which is where I am currently located. UGH!

I would love to be able to know where I will be living and have some friends next year.  Please advise.

CRAP!

So today started off pretty badly. Im home and i woke up because i had to move mikes car so that we could get our driveway plowed. i couldnt find his keys. i got really annoyed because i didnt know where to move the car. i went back to bed. later i got a phone call telling me i left my car window open in altoona which i could do absolutely nothing about until 3 days later so i asked her to put plastic over the window so snow wouldnt get in. So then i get another call that my car alarm is going off and apparently it wont stop til it dies but then miraculously it stopped on its own. then i get another call that scotch tape wont hold a plastic bag to my car (NO SHIT) so then i ask if they could please just go to the store and get some real tape so that my car doesnt get ruined if it snows. UGH. i finally got to my dads and i realized home isnt the same when i dont get to see my mom. tho i was homesick so im glad i get to see some of my family. sunday is the superbowl so im staying to watch that and then its back to crappy altoona on monday so i can deal with life. i cant wait to go somewhere that it never snows. heres to waiting and wishing...

Cheers!

So heres an update of my life. Christmas was fun. I cried on New Years at midnight for no reason whatsoever unless my subconscious knows something i don't? Weird. I know. I was more sick than i have ever been in my entire life yesterday and didn't want to go anywhere. And today i can't wait to get out of my house and be with my friends. The movers were here all day and it was really stressful and freezing cold in our house because the door was open. It is still quite frigid as a matter of fact. I was kinda thinking about how life is gonna be now that i don't really have a home. Sure i have places that i can stay like my dad's, my aunt's, and my grandmother's but none of those places are my home. They just feel like houses. I didn't grow up in any of those places so i feel like until i buy a house of my own, i'm basically going to be homeless for the time being. This wouldn't bother me so much if i actually liked going to school (which i obviously don't). I don't hate going just because Mike is there and he is basically the only thing that keeps me grounded cuz i can tell him anything and i dont have to worry about him judging me at all. It helps to have someone to talk to. My New Years Resolution is to stop worrying about things i can't fix right now. I can't really fix much at the time being so i will stick it out for another year and a half til i can move to State College where i will hopefully like it better and then in 2 years after that i will move away and find some place that i can settle down. Until then i will not think about anything but the present. Heres to a New Year.