It's funny how every time I feel the need to write things down it's because I feel the same way. This certain depressed sort of completely sad feeling I get when I feel like there is no one to talk to that would understand what is going on in my head. Things seem to go in circles and not in a good way. If i feel happy it will go away and be replaced by another let down or another guy telling me im not perfect enough and that they found someone better. I know its not my fault but its hard not to wonder whats wrong with me...

Here I am again... thinking about everything. Writing it all down. Work. School. People. Everything is the same. Bored and lonely most of the time. Ellyn moved to California. Mom is in Reno. And here I am. Stuck. At least I still have Susan around... until she goes west too. And I will still be stuck. In central Pennsylvania where there is nothing for me. I don't feel like I fit in with this crowd and this is not who I want to be. But I feel like I need to escape here before I can escape who I am becoming. I'm just trying to scrape by so I can be a better person and do what I should be doing with my life. But who knows what that is anyway. I guess the only thing I can do now is try to make real friends... you know the kind that are there when you need them and the kind that actually listen and talk so I can listen. I don't think I really have any of those kind of friends. Don't get me wrong, I have friends. They're just the kind that are there when they need something or when they want to party. When the water gets deep they jump out and leave me to drown. Good friends. So here I am. Alone.

Today is a day.

So I know I havnt written in a Hwhile. Yes a Hwhile. But I have arrived at State college. So far so good. I started working at gumbys... most awkward hours of business, I worked from 9pm-3:40am, not that i mind it because I would have been up that late anyway haha. The people that work there look like they would be creepy but they are actually all really cool they maybe just have some creepy friends haha.

Tonight is the first night of fun. The third roomie has arrived one more to go on saturday . I plan to stick around here with them and then go to Kevin and Garretts possibly. I also got my books today a whopping $370 all used but two small ones. Classes start monday I am DREADING that.

Going home for labor day weekend after the first game. I am being picked up (thank god) and I cant wait to see everyone cuz i miss them already and grammys cat is having kittens!

And MOST of all i miss Frida :( I hope Diego is doing okay... I feel sad for him.

Yup. Its about time I wrote something... I have not written since October... not that anyone other than my sisters reads this... Bahaha. Anyways... I dont really have much to say... nothing exciting happens to me ever... boys are clueless as usual... and thats about it...

Also im headed to Florida in a few weeks and then i get to see Jay-Z! Oh hoorah.

So im really confused about what i want in life. I am not so sure about anything. I made some cool friends and i love hanging out with them but then it takes time away from other people and other things which makes the other people upset and i try so hard to balance everything and it is just taking so much energy and i feel so stressed from school and i just dont know how to balance life and people. i just want to go home and i cant do that for another month and i am getting so bogged down with work and having to give everyone my time. i just want to be alone in a confined area for a full 24 hours and not have to see anyone. i need time for me and i cannot find it.

is this over yet?

I feel like its hard for me to make friends even though im usually outgoing. I think it may be because i am nervous about what they will think of me which i shouldnt be. I think its all in my head but it still gets to me and I have to learn how to block out my thoughts so i can be more open to meeting people. Goal for the year: Make at least one good friend.

sum summa

Things are good. Summer is almost over (not so good), but the summer i have been enjoying has been quite perfect. I am going to six flags with the family and the beach with the girls this weekend. Im also going to seattle for most of august. I hope i didnt make the trip too long so i dont get bored or stressed. It should be fun though. I really want a smoothie right now... i wish i wasnt too lazy to go make one haha. sad. anyway. the weather has been beautiful, only the occasional rain, which i dont really mind anyway. Im dreading the winter. i hate the cold. i love beaches and bare feet and driving with the windows down. Im going to miss the summer. I think im going to move somewhere that it doesnt snow. i really dont like snow. only three more years in the place with the worlds crappiest weather, aka central pa. joy. Heres to the rest of my perfect summer... or what i hope will be.