Just a thought...

I find myself asking if this is worth it... If i dont feel like i will marry someone is it worth is to date them?  I would hope it would be a yes. You dont just find yourself compelled to a person for no reason... companionship is vital in life... but is that all life is about? if you have no friends you are lonely. if you have no significant other you are lonely still. a significant other doesnt necessarily have to be your future attachment. you dont have to get married. they dont have to be the only one you can ever love. i believe a person can be in love more than once. i believe in soul mates, but i also believe one can have more than just one soul mate. people may never find their soul mates but maybe those people are meant to be independent and fend for themselves. maybe they are meant to find happiness and peace of mind all on their own. others depend on companionship to get them through life going through one boyfriend or girlfriend after the next. Love is not that easy to obtain. I was told something like "you dont need to find a soul mate, you just need to find someone that doesnt annoy the heck out of you" Aint that the truth haha. Ironically that is harder than it would seem. Attitudes, behaviors, personalities. they clash together so often its hard for anyone to find someone they can be together with forever. forever is such a long time. forever is something that doesnt just go away. A person can say they will love you forever but thats never certain. People change their minds. its human nature. Things change. People part ways leaving each other behind only to find out later that they regret their decision. but do they really regret it or are they just lonely? once they find someone new dont they just move on? its a fairly simple circle that continues to go around and around for almost everyone. Love does not always mean forever, but when you find someone and it will be forever just the two of you, im pretty sure you will just know they are the one... if not this is a cruel world we live in. People never forget, though some may try, but love can fade as quickly as it comes under some circumstances. If you find it... hold on.

The first of many.

I decided today to start a blog. I realized over the past couple months that I have a whole lot to say even though I feel like I have nothing to say out loud. I'll start with my rants, sans the things I don't want publicly announced. I hope this helps...

Rant #1: Whenever someone does something that bothers me I never tell them what i'm thinking. I tend to withdrawal from that person and tell them everything is fine. Instead i tell everyone but that person what i feel about the situation. I feel like i need to get comfortable telling people what i feel but i don't want to be controlling or judgmental so i bottle up my feelings when the person asks if i'm okay with what is going on. If i said no they would probably either get mad or do it anyway so what's the point? All i want is to be accepted so i choose to leave my thoughts to myself. I get the feeling sometimes that i'm not accepted which also makes me uncomfortable but i don't say anything about that either because i fear rejection and if the people don't have a problem with me i will end up feeling stupid for thinking that was the case. I don't know how to stop overanalyzing and i need to stop judging. I wish i didn't care what other people thought and i wish i didn't get nervous about being rejected. I need to be myself but i feel like i can only do that around my two best friends and my family. Even then sometimes i feel like i need to hide certain things. 

Rant #2: I feel like i like him better when its just the two of us. He seems to change into a completely different person around his friends. I hate seeing him like that. He doesn't seem to care about anything and sometimes he gets so belligerent that he just says whatever he thinks and doesn't think about how it will make anyone else feel. I need him and i love being with him but i need him to be like he is when its just me and him and nothing else seems to matter. I need him to be there for me but i feel like i cant tell him everything that crosses my mind. Im scared for him... I need someone that will be there when i feel like i have nothing and no one to turn to. All i want is someone that can be with me. Im scared for myself.

Rant #3: I thought my feelings came from people withdrawing from our friendship every time i messed something up. I soon learned that the problem came from somewhere deeper. I didn't realize until i talked to someone about it. The real problem is i feel like i'm losing my family and my home. My mom is selling the house i lived in for 18 years and moving to Seattle. My sisters are also thinking about moving west together. My subconscious told me something was wrong by making so homesick all of a sudden. I thought it was a small thing but the underlying problem was causing me to latch onto my home because it wouldn't be there for me much longer. I also got a new perspective about family. Knowing that they wont be so close and i wont be able to see them whenever i needed to made me feel lost and sort of abandoned. I need to feel like i fit in somewhere and sometimes home is the only place that i can. What happens when that is gone...?

Rant #4: Why does every little thing have to be blown out of proportion? All i need to do is have someone to talk to and no one seems to understand that...